Ah New Years Eve...

2011 was a good year in many ways. I had my share of struggles, ups and downs. But through it all, I learned many things. One of the things I learned is about the importance and the power of recognizing, accepting and following 'truth'. I'm using the word truth here in a rather esoteric way, referring to the 'truths' that we sense with our guts and hearts. Indeed, truth is something we all tend to overlook in our daily lives, as we filter out what we perceive to be negative thoughts or feelings about situations, in the hopes of reconciling what we want to have, and what we want to avoid, with what our conscience tells us is right. We therefore morph our conscience into conformity with some desired end we want to achieve or avoid.

There are many times in our lives where we are faced with a choice to do one or another thing, and in those moments when our morality is being challenged, we face a test. I have learned that these circumstances have to be approached as such - as a test in regards only to the choice itself, and in regards to obeying our conscience. Once we extend our thoughts, through the exercise of rationality, to what 'could' transpire through a given choice, we run the risk of disobeying our conscience for the sake of some selfish need or aversion. We begin to taint 'truth' with our psychologies, our fears, our lusts and desires.

Yes, its tough being true, its tough being honest sometimes. I have learned this the hard way, but that is the challenge that comes before us from time to time, to see if we are worthy of life's gifts. For I do believe that when our choices are in accord with our conscience; when we accept that our feelings, and not just our reason, are sometimes necessary though by no means sufficient guides; that we can be guided on a road of faith, and walk through a door into a realm where life showers gifts upon us.

That takes me to another realization - that I have, for the better part of my life over the last number of years, only thought of myself. Its strange to accept this, or to understand how this came about, but ultimately, I have been a self-centred, selfish individual concerned only with my own malaise. I have learned, through reading various books, that the path to happiness must involve service to others; and that our malaise or melancholy arises and is maintained by an almost obsessive obsession with that malaise or melancholy. We search and search, and try and try to overcome this burdensome feeling; and we resent and resent the fact of its existence. We blame ourselves for our actions, and look to ways to better our behaviour and curb our attitudes to ensure that we do not make the same mistakes again; but many fail in their attempts, using this strategy. I have learned that my malaise is due to an obsession with my self, my well-being; and I have seldom turned my attention to what I could do to make OTHERS feel better. I learned this earlier this year, when, by putting someone else's happiness before mine, and devoting myself to their happiness, I gained a sort of peace of mind; a sense of self worth and purpose. Unfortunately the relationship didnt last, perhaps because I couldn't give her, or wasn't meant to give her, what she needed. Alas, I learned a valuable lesson in being true and selfless, and how these ideals, these principles, are worthy of my worship.

Indeed, there was a time when I was selfless, where I knew that I was only happy when I was doing service for people. That was an old me, the child in me. But I became overly focused and resentful of all the things that life was not bringing me - respect and admiration of my friends and peers, love, sex, peace of mind, confidence. And thus I forgot about my service to others and the joy and contentment that this service can bring to me. I may not ever attract 100 girls or be a hero to many; I may not even get married. But I will strive to be a 'useful' member of society, and thereby become a 'content' member of society, in whatever way I can. For it is by creating happiness for others and giving love that we may find ourselves happy and loved. Suffering and self-pity are not currencies that can buy such things; the world does not owe you anything for your suffering in self-pity; and it will pay you nothing, except more of the same in kind for your self loathing and resentment. This is a difficult lesson for me to learn, because it has always been ingrained in my mind that self-pity will garner gifts of comfort and soothing from others. This is, after-all, one way I gained affection when I was a child - and it was a lazy way of doing it. But I obtained it nevertheless, as in the case with Pavlov's dogs, I was conditioned.

Be that as it may, I did do things for people as a child and relished in it, and continued along this course well into my young adult life. I would rise to any occasion where I had an opportunity to 'be a good boy', a 'generous friend' or a 'loving, romantic boyfriend'. However, I was later inculcated, or poisoned, with the thought that people do not respect 'servants'; that doing things for people to gain their respect, being a 'people pleaser' will lead to disrespect. That may be so, however, its 'self' respect I'm after, and not the respect of others...

Anyhoo, I'll write more on this later, as I continue to learn. Ciao for now!

Holy shit, I think I'm going to do this...

Everyday, for the whole year of 2012, I'm going to do something that pleases someone else.

It can't be a small favour - like making a cup of tea for my parents when they ask me too. Or something lame like holding the door open for someone. My intention should be to make the person smile, by doing something for them. Not hugging or kissing them, but doing something. And it has to be something I think about and put my mind too. Because the whole point of this exercise is twofold: 1) smiles, 2) keep my mind on others, and not on myself.

And I'm going to do this EVERY DAY, for 365 days. That's my new challenge.

And I'm going to share each day with you, cyber space...

Musical sketches

Hey folks,

In case anyone out there is reading this, here is a sample of some of the music I've been able to produce over the last year. They're really 'first takes' and I'm kinda surprised it came out the way it did...we all gotta start somewhere right. Here's to starting a journey:

http://cl.ly/35112l2k1J3b2o3m3w2h

Enjoy :)

Acceptance

Be willing to have it so. Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune.
William James

Yes, this post is about acceptance. I do believe that 'acceptance' truly has been an overlooked state-of-mind in my life. This absence is, I am sure, part of the cause of many hours of spinning my wheels and angrily reving the engine that is my spirit. When we are faced with adversity, our natural inclination is to fight, to move forward, to do anything and everything we can to simply not feel the way that we do. I have felt deep seated anger, pain, anguish, and sorrow - and spilled many tears of frustration in the midst of a rut that has simply gone on far, far, far too long.

But what I realized is that my fighting, my resistance and aversion to pain and sorrow, to loss and anxiety, has simply produced nothing. The only peace I have known in the last number of years has come when I have completely surrendered to the 'demons' lurking inside me and allowed them to overcome me - allowed them free reign in my bosom, carte blanche. There is a poem by Rumi called The Guest House, which I remember fondly in times like these:

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

~ Rumi ~

Granted there are times when the pain is great, the anxiety is through the roof and the confusion, the voices, the thoughts, are overbearing. And at times like this, we wish, we pray, that we could be silent inside and feel warmth and wellness; and we're afraid of letting the voices and the pain to get worse, so we fight it with thoughts, we fight it with anger, we fight it with whatever habits we have at our disposal. And sometimes, if the habits are good, it can help...

But I have learned that letting go, and accepting our "states", our "circumstances" is a practice that opens that door to the silence we seek. Acceptance is an assertion that brings us into the moment, and lifts us out of the past and all its regrets, all the losses.

In this sense, perhaps there is something to be said for empathizing with with your 'enemy' - that elusive Jungian 'Shadow'.

According to Carl Jung, we all contain a 'shadow self' which consists of repressed weaknesses, shortcomings, and instincts - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shadow_(psychology) I'm certainly not going to profess being an expert in psychology, Jungian, Freudian or what-have-you. But I do believe that when we feel anguish, depression, hang-ups or issues, that resistance is sometimes futile. Part of the answer is acceptance - its like covering yourself in a warm blanket, which allows you to move forward into that cold walk up the mountain side towards the sun.

To accept one's self - warts and all - is to respect one's self. And that, my friends, is the best, most important gift you can give yourself.

Peace - n love.

My first post.

Ok so this is officially my first post. How did I get here? Well, its a long convoluted story that you'll hear more about if you continue to follow my post. I'm just going to jump right in to the details of what I'm into right now and save the juicy details about myself for later...

Currently, I'm studying and learning about chakras, those lovely little centres of energy that are situated throughout our bodies. I've been reading books and internet sites about them, to learn more about 'the self' that I didn't know anything about before. I have generally been inclined to believe that there is more going on 'out there' (and 'in there' for that matter) than we know. And various recent (rather mind boggling) experiences I have had have served only to solidify this idea into an iron clad belief.

Over the course of the next few weeks, I'm going to blog about these ideas and concepts, and other such things that have interested me in the past. This, I believe, is the only sure way to ensure that I dont get totally rusted out. I do believe that passion is an oil that we must apply to our lives if we are to fully live and enjoy all that life has to offer. And to be sure, I have definitely not been doing this.

Truth be told, I've been hiding in a cage, brooding about all the things I didn't have, all the things that I was not, and all the things I had lost. Brooding, if you've ever done it - and I'm sure you have - is a sure fire way to stunt your growth. It buries you under masses of cloudy, foggy thoughts that weigh you down and keep the future from coming in and filling you with joy and abundance. I've learned this the hard way, and have been spinning my wheels for far too long. However...

Through all that spinning, I have acquired some understanding, some knowledge of things that I want to share with people today, in the hopes that they too can lift their heads out of the clouds and see the sun again, as I am doing now.

See you all soon.

Next day: the Root Chakra.