2011 was a good year in many ways. I had my share of struggles, ups and downs. But through it all, I learned many things. One of the things I learned is about the importance and the power of recognizing, accepting and following 'truth'. I'm using the word truth here in a rather esoteric way, referring to the 'truths' that we sense with our guts and hearts. Indeed, truth is something we all tend to overlook in our daily lives, as we filter out what we perceive to be negative thoughts or feelings about situations, in the hopes of reconciling what we want to have, and what we want to avoid, with what our conscience tells us is right. We therefore morph our conscience into conformity with some desired end we want to achieve or avoid.
There are many times in our lives where we are faced with a choice to do one or another thing, and in those moments when our morality is being challenged, we face a test. I have learned that these circumstances have to be approached as such - as a test in regards only to the choice itself, and in regards to obeying our conscience. Once we extend our thoughts, through the exercise of rationality, to what 'could' transpire through a given choice, we run the risk of disobeying our conscience for the sake of some selfish need or aversion. We begin to taint 'truth' with our psychologies, our fears, our lusts and desires.
Yes, its tough being true, its tough being honest sometimes. I have learned this the hard way, but that is the challenge that comes before us from time to time, to see if we are worthy of life's gifts. For I do believe that when our choices are in accord with our conscience; when we accept that our feelings, and not just our reason, are sometimes necessary though by no means sufficient guides; that we can be guided on a road of faith, and walk through a door into a realm where life showers gifts upon us.
That takes me to another realization - that I have, for the better part of my life over the last number of years, only thought of myself. Its strange to accept this, or to understand how this came about, but ultimately, I have been a self-centred, selfish individual concerned only with my own malaise. I have learned, through reading various books, that the path to happiness must involve service to others; and that our malaise or melancholy arises and is maintained by an almost obsessive obsession with that malaise or melancholy. We search and search, and try and try to overcome this burdensome feeling; and we resent and resent the fact of its existence. We blame ourselves for our actions, and look to ways to better our behaviour and curb our attitudes to ensure that we do not make the same mistakes again; but many fail in their attempts, using this strategy. I have learned that my malaise is due to an obsession with my self, my well-being; and I have seldom turned my attention to what I could do to make OTHERS feel better. I learned this earlier this year, when, by putting someone else's happiness before mine, and devoting myself to their happiness, I gained a sort of peace of mind; a sense of self worth and purpose. Unfortunately the relationship didnt last, perhaps because I couldn't give her, or wasn't meant to give her, what she needed. Alas, I learned a valuable lesson in being true and selfless, and how these ideals, these principles, are worthy of my worship.
Indeed, there was a time when I was selfless, where I knew that I was only happy when I was doing service for people. That was an old me, the child in me. But I became overly focused and resentful of all the things that life was not bringing me - respect and admiration of my friends and peers, love, sex, peace of mind, confidence. And thus I forgot about my service to others and the joy and contentment that this service can bring to me. I may not ever attract 100 girls or be a hero to many; I may not even get married. But I will strive to be a 'useful' member of society, and thereby become a 'content' member of society, in whatever way I can. For it is by creating happiness for others and giving love that we may find ourselves happy and loved. Suffering and self-pity are not currencies that can buy such things; the world does not owe you anything for your suffering in self-pity; and it will pay you nothing, except more of the same in kind for your self loathing and resentment. This is a difficult lesson for me to learn, because it has always been ingrained in my mind that self-pity will garner gifts of comfort and soothing from others. This is, after-all, one way I gained affection when I was a child - and it was a lazy way of doing it. But I obtained it nevertheless, as in the case with Pavlov's dogs, I was conditioned.
Be that as it may, I did do things for people as a child and relished in it, and continued along this course well into my young adult life. I would rise to any occasion where I had an opportunity to 'be a good boy', a 'generous friend' or a 'loving, romantic boyfriend'. However, I was later inculcated, or poisoned, with the thought that people do not respect 'servants'; that doing things for people to gain their respect, being a 'people pleaser' will lead to disrespect. That may be so, however, its 'self' respect I'm after, and not the respect of others...
Anyhoo, I'll write more on this later, as I continue to learn. Ciao for now!
